PHIL:
Collecting my new car today. Only one more for the set.
ADI:
Now that NEEDED a five minute warning!
Got the self propelled CD player then?
PHIL:
I was having a word with the Salesman earlier this week and he said that all the mechanics were looking at the CD player because they'd never seen one like it before - you just feed the CDs into the slot on the front and they were trying to work out where all the CDs go as it's the same size as a normal car tape deck.
ADI:
Ahhh, the new interdimensional CD player.
CDs are inserted into the slot and are transported by the nagic of modern technology to a new dimensional plane. Currently this plane isn't highly stable, so only a limited amount of CDs can be stored. In the future, as the technology gets better, infinite CDs can be held in the other plane. The next step is to network each plane of existance so all the CDs in the world are available.
Cheap versions transform into Queen's Greatest Hits!
PHIL:
You've got me worried now. If the plane isn't stable, what's to say that the CDs won't go and disappear into the void or something, or is it because they are already in the void then there's no danger of this happening?
ADI:
The plane is stable, but only when the number of CDs in the void is not greater than the certified capacity of the model concerned. Trying to insert more CDs than this will result in planar breakdown and the nasty consequences that follow. Also note that the interdimensional void instantly breaks down if ANY Country and Western CD is inserted!
PHIL:
I think I've heard about this planar breakdown, doesn't a wormhole open up underneath the car and all the CDs drop out onto the road, or in the worst case, get fired out of the front of the radiator at supersonic speed.
Luckily I've only got one CD that might classify as C and W - Steve Earle and that's more rock than anything.
ADI:
Only if you're very lucky... the effects of the planar rupture are random. Essentially another reality is being loosed into our plane. This causes temporal anomilies and can cause effects as diverse as your CD unit vanishing completely because it no longer exists, nor has it ever existed. Or your entire car being transformed into something new like a Ford Ka or a Daihatsu Grand Move, or maybe a giant squid (try explaining that to the AA.)
PHIL:
Mmmmm....
Phil: Hello, is that the AA?
Nice Lady at the AA: Yes Sir, what seems to be the problem?
Phil: Well, I was travelling down the A41 when I decided to put another CD into the player. Unfortunately, I had forgotten that it already had six CDs in it, I inserted a seventh, there was a loud bang, the CD player vanished and the car came to a complete halt.
NLAA: I think I see the problem, can you tell me your location?
Phil: Yes, on the A41, just outside of Tring.
NLAA: And the registration number, colour and type of car?
Phil: Its T392RMS, it's dark blue and it's a Toyota Cephalopod.
NLAA: A what?
Phil: Well, it started out as a Toyota Yaris, but now it's a giant squid.
NLAA: I think you've got the wrong number Sir, you want the SeaLife Centre.
Or alternatively...
NLAA: And the registration number, colour and type of car?
Phil: Well it was a Toyota Yaris, but now it's a Ford Ka...
NLAA: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA..................................
ADI:
This is 126.8 FM... and now the travel news with Cheryl.
Thanks Bill. Ten mile tail backs are occuring on the A41 near Tring. Police report that a large squid is blocking the east bound lanes. Yes, that's right, I said a large squid. Police are currently battling with it to try and move it onto the verge. West bound traffic is also seriously disrupted as commuters are slowing down to look. Here's Kevin in the Chopper...
<Noise of Chopper> I'm looking down onto the A41 now and I can see the squid clearly. It's about 60ft long and is extremely active. Oh my, it appears to have grabbed someone with its' tentacles, I think it's an AA mechanic... It's going to take the emergancy services some time to clear this so I'd advise listeners to avoid the A41 near Tring and find an alternative route.
<Jingle, then a song that was played about an hour ago>
PHIL:
This is patrol car 137, we've just arrived at the scene of the incident and as reported there is a giant squid blocking both lanes of the carriageway. There's absolute chaos here with traffic backed up for miles in both directions - has someone sent for a fire engine yet? I think we're going to need to keep the thing damp while we deal with it and we'll need an ambulance as there's an AA man being violently sick every five seconds - Yes, it's an emergancy! We'll need it as soon as we can get him out of the things clutches - No! Bugger off! I don't want to do an interview for the Fortean Times - The owner? No we haven't traced the owner yet althought there's some bloke sat on the verge with his head in his hands babbling about CDs, how he's only just started paying for his car and who's going to do insurance on a giant squid - Any suggestions how we deal with this? A Killer Whale? Where are we going to get a Killer Whale at such short notice? - Look, just send some backup, we're going to need some help with this...
ADI:
If I had the time, at this point I'd write a Father Fanthorpe from Fortean TV style song based on a traditional melody entitled:
"The Squid Song"
But I haven't, sorry.
OK, we said we didn't have enough time to write a song - We lied! We do that sometimes. Click HERE for the Squid Song!
This page was created on the 12th of May 1999